You Did Not Cause Your Fertility Struggles
When you struggle to get pregnant and are surrounded by others who seem to conceive easily, it can be hard not to wonder, "Why not me?” And then when no one can tell you why you're struggling, it's common to scan for answers to help make sense of what's going on with your body. Of course, these "answers" tend to follow a pattern of directing blame toward yourself or something you are doing wrong, rather than attributing it to simply bad luck. Questions like “maybe my anxiety or stress is getting in the way?” or “maybe it’s because I’m not eating healthy enough or sleeping enough?” Finding an explanation can reduce the feelings of helplessness and lack of control but it may leave you with other heavy feelings instead, such as guilt, shame, or anger at oneself. Please know that you did NOT do anything to cause your infertility. “Just relaxing” or doing more mindfulness can’t get a person pregnant just as eating a perfectly “clean” diet won’t either. If you are carrying guilt or self-blame surrounding your fertility struggles, engaging with these thoughts and feelings can be helpful in moving through them. Here are some tips to help you if you are caught in a self-blame spiral:
Imagine what you would say if your best friend was struggling to conceive. Would you tell her it’s her fault? Try speaking to yourself the way you would speak to your friend.
Give yourself permission to let out the feelings underneath the self-blame. Are you feeling helplessness, anger, inadequacy, longing, or fear? Notice where you feel it in your body and try to breathe into it.
Consider joining a support group to meet other women also struggling to conceive who understand what it’s like to feel left behind. I offer a monthly support group for women struggling to conceive or experiencing pregnancy loss. Click to learn more - Virtual Fertility Support Group
Try to practice self-compassion by thinking of your child self and what type of encouraging words of support she needs to hear or consider trying a loving-kindness meditation
A reminder that infertility is not a reflection of your worth or anything you did wrong. Sometimes “bad things happen to good people” and there is no explanation as to why. Infertility is a medical condition just like cancer, heart disease, or diabetes. You deserve compassion and grace as you navigate this path.